On 9/9/2023, I married my partner of 12 years, Haley Oleynik. As a small part of the enchanting weekend, we gave toasts to each other and our guests during cocktails, following the ceremony.
When planning the whole thing, it struck us as odd the guests don't typically hear from the Bride and Groom. Who better to speak at the occasion and tell our story, than us? So we carved out 15 minutes before dinner and pasted below is the written version of my toast to Haley and our guests. The video and the words ->
12 years ago, unknown to us, Haley and I embarked on this journey. Back then, I was an explorer following a faded map. And the more I discovered about you, the more I liked.
Haley has this nonchalant, radiating warmth paired with swashbuckling inner fortitude.
She’s intensely curious about the world - with an analytical mind equipped to prosecute that ambition.
Fiercely supportive of her allies, and a fierce obstacle to their opponents.
Brave and humble, sociable and eccentric, passionate and kind.
She’s a leading expert in the placebo effect --- the perfect subject for my bag of pranks.
And she likes cool stuff, the ocean, good skiing, octopuses, Star Wars and LOTRs --- I was enamored. Things with you always seemed to fit. And when they didn't, it seemed like they should, could, and would fit. And in my youthful ignorance, all I knew is that I liked you, a lot.
Several years later, a series of unplanned accidents emerged in my life’s mosaic. My story had coalesced with Haley’s. And like was no longer an apt descriptor. At some point along the way, I fell in love with you.
Falling in love was like being carried in a current towards the unknown. The nervous giddiness, the irrational thoughts and actions --- the deep warmth in my chest your presence brings. And an unwelcome development - a destabilizing fear that terrified me. The list of things I wouldn’t do, to protect that which I feared to lose, dwindled. Is this how it’s supposed to work? Does everyone just pretend this fear doesn’t exist?
Haley, my unwitting sherpa, showed me the way. I’ll share one particularly striking moment.
Biking to the beach on the Virginia coast, it was one of those summer days where the heat clings like a younger sibling at a teenage beach party. Humming along, Haley asking me to slow down, I asking her to speed up. As we circumnavigated a roundabout, one of those big-butt trucks slammed into my bike like a torpedo.
I tried to process what was happening as I tumbled across the pavement – in a state of shock that I seemed unscathed. The youthful driver - guilty only of a narrow aperture - skidded to a stop…. And Hales launched herself - like a bat out of hell – firing a spree of admonishments laced with profanities.
Transfixed, I watched the furious barrage rain down…. And I saw something. Something that only I could have seen. I saw what spurred Haley into the fray. She cares for me like I care for her. She’s my protector as I am Her’s. Reciprocity was the tonic for my affliction. Confusion became pride, reproach became belonging.
Although we took our sweet time to get here, I've known for a long time this had to be a destination. Well, for a period, living with a self-proclaimed and proud hypochondriac as COVID hit the mainstream – I wasn't sure which would happen first, the stress killing her or her killing me.
We’ve had good times and bad, as individuals and as partners. And we’ve emerged from both, stronger, together. When I needed help to get my train back on the tracks - Haley answered the call, again and again. And when I fall in the future -- I’m sure you'll catch me, because I know I’ll catch you.
Each step we took appeared to be an accident at the time. But looking back holistically - there were none. We had grown together, grown for each other, and grown with each other. My roots were so intertwined with Haley's, departure was inconceivable. That's what I think romantic love is. It’s what you’re able to cultivate when the fleeting flame of falling in love does its work and fuses a bond not easily broken.
I've been a party to your growth since we met as practice adults 12 years ago. And I revere the spectacular and extraordinary woman you’ve become. I've sought to be someone you'll respect – admire – enjoy -- rely on -- and love. I don't always get it right; I haven't always been the partner you deserve. I fear, more than anything else, that will remain true in our future.
Since I was a boy, I've always wanted to be the best in the world at things. The fastest runner, quickest learner, smartest at this, best at that. I don’t know if those ambitions will manifest, perhaps I’ll grow old trying.
But I did find one thing. One thing I’m confident I will be the best in the world at - being your husband and partner. You choosing me to be yours is my life’s greatest honor. I will do everything in my power to be the partner you deserve. And I will be a better partner tomorrow than I am today.
Now, over the past months, I’ve had the chance to think at length about the ritual of marriage. I learned what we’re here doing tonight has little to do with getting married. Turns out, all we need for that is a few hours, a few folks, and a few forms. So why do we have weddings? Why am I having a wedding?
Seeing all of you, the answer is inescapable. The connection of all of us being here, now, together. It’s a prime exemplar of the social fabric that defines the human experience. I’m deeply grateful to all of you for being here with me today – and it’s a privilege to be here with you.
This same group of people probably won’t ever be together again, definitely not in this same setting. Celebrate that, enjoy each other, and through our joy - we’ll ratify the scarce moment in time that is this weekend. Now, let’s saddle up and partake in the ancient tradition of dinner.
If you're curious about the rest of the shindig (or a family member), the entire video recap is below and linked here for your viewing pleasure:
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